A Vegan Called Bacon

The other day, with my earnings from cooking at Dub and Grub, I bought myself a big new stack of cookery books.

One of my purchases was The Uncheese Cookbook. Like many vegans, I take obsessive delight in making obtuse veganisations of unlikely foods.  Cheese, of course, is one of the most difficult; there’s really nothing that approximates to the flavour of cheese (nutritional yeast doesn’t do it for me).  And as for making something with the right texture and stringy, gooey melting properties, forget it.

But I like a challenge, and I fancied making something unusual for the Scottish Vegans potluck last weekend (which was great - check out the spread), so I tested a “brie”, a “swizz” cheese, a “gruyère” and a “boursin”.  It seems that the Uncheese Cookbook staple method is to suspend a variety of “creamy” things in agar.  Here they are:

And here’s the boursin on a home-made oat cake:

The results were mixed, as you might expect.

The boursin was very simple (firm tofu, mayo, garlic, herbs, black pepper), very delicious, and very creamy.

The brie was essentially tofu and agar.  It had a light texture, quite wet, not unpleasant but still (unfortunately) with the distinctive floury mouth-feel of tofu.  The flavour was pleasant, but a bit heavy on the nutritional flakes for my taste.  It had a lot of lemon, which did taste really good.

The gruyère was something like hummus and agar, flavoured with dill seeds and umeboshi paste, set in agar agar.  The texture was very close to a firm cheddar, but the mouth-feel was pretty different — mainly, I think, due to the absence of fat.  I really didn’t like this one, because the dill dominated the flavours, like a dose of bad breath from someone eating stale Swedish bread.

The swizz cheese, however, was very popular wherever I took it (and it followed me around for a few days).  Even the most suspicious omnivores ended up scoffing it.  It was soft and moist, with a lovely mustardy tang.  It had the least floury mouth-feel, probably because its base was simply a handful of whizzed-up cashews suspended in more agar agar.

It was such a success that I had to find out what happens when you cook it.  Frying and grilling were more or less pointless, but deep frying it in breadcrumbs produced this oozy, piping hot, savoury chunk of greasy deliciousness, which tasted amazing with a bit of wasabi:

It was so nice, I’d like to serve it at Dub and Grub some day.  The problem is, what would I call it?  Most of the customers are omnivorous, and even longterm, strange-substitute-hardened vegans would, I suspect, think twice about “deep fried vegan cheese”.  My idea was “deep fried mustard and cashew jelly”, but I think that would freak people out.  Someone who tried the Swizz cheese said it had a texture like pâté; but fried pâté?

Deep Fried Breaded Cashew and Mustard Jelly Pâté Cheese Chunks

Cheese:
1½C / 350ml water
5T agar flakes
¼C/100g raw cashews
4T yeast flakes
3T fresh lemon juice
1T onion granules
2tsp Dijon mustard
¼ tsp salt
½ tsp garlic granules
½ tsp mustard powder

Breading and frying:
A few handfuls of Panko breadcrumbs
4T cornflour
Cold water to mix
Plenty of neutral oil suitable for deep frying (e.g. vegetable oil)

Put the agar flakes in a pan in cold water, bring to the boil, and simmer for 5 minutes, stirring often.  Blend this up with all the remaining ingredients for as long as you can be bothered, to get a really smooth paste.

It starts setting as soon as it gets a bit cool, so pour it immediately into a suitable mold - a margarine tub, maybe, or a small tupperware container.  Cover and chill, preferably overnight (the flavours and texture seem to improve).

When you’re ready, mix the cornflour and water in a small bowl, to a slightly thick liquid (something like single cream).  Prepare your breadcrumbs in a thick pile on a plate next to the cornflour mixture.  Get your oil hot and ready.

Cut 3/4/2cm thick slices of cheese.  Dip each one in the cornflour mixure, then cover in breadcrumbs.  Dip it back in the cornflour and then back in the breadcrumbs.  Press this second layer of breadcrumbs firmly onto the cheese.  (It helps if you do the dipping with your right hand, and keep your left hand clean for pressing and transferring to the pan).

Fry until a rich brown colour, maybe for a little bit longer than you think, to get that jelly properly melted.

Serve with wasabi or something else sharp to cut through the grease.  Remember to let it cool again for a minute or you will burn your mouth.